Foxy Skeletons and Other Things That Fall on Cars

Alas, right when I was convinced that the secrets to the universe were held within the pages of the owners' manual for a '97 Saturn...

the world came crashing down on Chuck's windshield.

In a figurative sense, of course. Once again, under a series of events labeled "Things That Aren't True at All," Chuck tells us of things that may or may not have happened. In fact, this final chapter of Chuck Klosterman IV seems to have the most plausible events of all three sections. The first of which being titled "Things that Are True" and involves the legendary Bono picking up street kids in his Maserati, and the second of which being called "Things That Might Be True" and involving hypothetical average Joe death matches.

The third starts off with some nightly unmentionables and moves on to some mundane info on his workplace. He then makes his way to a chinese buffet and runs into another shady friend named Ricky Rumble. Yes, Ricky Rumble. This man is not as shady as one would think, because he asks Chuck an oddly specific and seemingly wholesome favor upon his entry to the restaurant. Sir Rumble gives Chuck the explicit instructions to pick up his sister in Cincinatti, and as Chuck in his good willingness had already said yes, he accepts this task. Unfortunately for Chuck, Ricky's sister is a hyper-sensitive bookwormish-type exotic dancer. And she will be in Chuck's car for several hours. So while Chuck is agonizing over what is soon to be a terribly long car ride on the way to pick up Miss Rumble, it hits him.

Literally.

A fox, in the figurative sense, happened to make a crash landing on Chuck's '97 saturn. This fox being an incredibly gorgeous woman with straight black hair and a cocktail dress. The manual for such a vehicle apparently doesn't contain a section on what happens to a car when a corpse crashes into it. It even causes some damage to the motor vehicle, who knew? The shocks on the car can't handle the force, and the car crushes itself into whatever cement it may be driving on. And corpses bounce. Like a bouncy ball flying out of a helicopter, if that bouncy ball had the outer shell of human skin and the shape of a foxy skeleton.

?

So what does one do when a former heartbreaker does happen to decide to land on a car such as that of Chuck's? He got out of his vehicle to sit on the side of the road, noting how gorgeous the girl who fell from the sky is despite her every bone having been pulverized by the hood of his car. She must've fallen from a helicopter, Chuck finally decides. And the first thing a journalist can think of in a crisis is "How great of an article would this be?" So This is what Chuck does. He decides to abandon Mrs Rumble and ride home to enjoy a night of chinese take-out and continue with his routine life of watching MTV before waking up to another vapid day at work.

Here's to hoping these are "Things That Are Not True"

Conclusion: Silly reader, the best analogies are implausible.