Joe Six-Pack v.s. Joe the Plumber

I am now in a pickle. More than one, in fact. I am currently in 19 hypothetical situations and moral dilemmas, all because I read about some things that may not be true in a book called Chuck Klosterman IV.

Thanks a lot, Chuck.

It's true, the second section of Chuck Klosterman IV, titled "Things That May Not Be True", is nothing but a collection of nearly impossible hypothetical situations, each being followed by a short observation on something with little or nothing to do with the situation in question. After reading, it struck me; I am blogging about a blog. However, this is my own blog, and though Chuck has already significantly molded my brain to fit his writing style, I'm doing my best to be... different.

This may turn out to be more difficult than I'd imagined.

Possibly one of my favorite dilemma was labeled "the Joe Six-Pack Hypothetical", so named because I, as the reader, am apparently perfectly embodied by the average American we affectionately speak of as Joe Six-Pack. So what if Joe the Plumber is the new Joe Six-Pack? Chuck seems to believe that I, as the reader, am the more "vintage", more athletic American. Works for me.
As this average Joe, I am forced to compete in a series of five events for my own life, and must win at least three of these events. My competitor is also competing for his/her life. The events consist of an 800 meter run, a game of scrabble, a three-round boxing match, a debate over the legalization of late-term abortion, and the math portion of the SAT. As with all hypothetical situations, I have two choices. I can either a) choose an opponent selected at random (maybe I'll get a toddler with 1 limb, maybe a Navy Seal... it's all very stressful) or b)choose to be matched with another one of who Chuck percieves me to be: Joe Six-Pack.

There are several aspects of this decision that I hate. For one, I hate that I do not have a six pack. I hate that I don't know what it is that is making me fight to the death. I hate that I am being forced to race another person for 800 meters. And most of all, I hate that I only have 20 minutes to decide my competitor. However, all is not yet lost! I can't run any better than average Joe, my math skills are mediocre (compared to Joe though, who knows?), and I'm sure that my chances of winning a boxing match would be slim against this average American man equipped with a six-pack. Arguing and words, on the other hand, are both events I can handle. So, against this literal average version of myself, our lives would both come down to the math portion of the SAT.

Life or death, it's all a question of whether I believe I am better than the average American, Joe Six-Pack?
Why yes, yes I am.

?

If any of that made much sense at all, Chuck has listed some bands that Joe Six-Pack must like as an average American. On the list, there are a few classics such as Van Halen, Blue Oyster Cult, and The Beatles. The rest, however, are bands I've hardly heard of whatsoever. These are supposedly indie bands that preach to the average American, yet I've never even heard their names. A few are genres I no longer allow myself to listen to, such as Ska and Underground-turned-mainstream Hip-Hop. No offense to fans of either genre, but to a rock critic they're insignificant. All Ska sounds the same, and it happens to any artist coming out of the underground. It just doesn't work. But back to the Joe Six-Pack playlist, most of it hasn't yet been experienced by my ipod. Perhaps I am not Joe. Perhaps I am more like Chuck.

Conclusion: Seeing as I picked up the writing of Chuck Klosterman over reading one of his novels, I might just go on a Shakespeare binge next time...